After my last post, I dived into myself and started to ask the hard questions. Questions like who do I skate for? Why do I skate? What metrics am I using to measure whether I’m a success or a failure? What are my values and beliefs? Why are those my values and beliefs?
To be honest, I do this every year around this time. Once competitions finish, it’s my time to relax but it is also my time for self reflection and planning. Some of those questions I don’t even have the answer to, yet and that’s ok. I don’t feel like I have to have everything figured out but I do like to try answer a few anyway to realign myself with my true purpose. Also, the thought processes that come from asking these tough questions will hopefully result in “mental gains” (lol). This is sometimes not a fun exercise but I feel it is a necessary one.
Anyway, I asked and answered away and I came up with one main idea that stood out to me about this year: I feel like I didn’t have a clear vision of what I wanted to achieve and therefore I did not believe I could do it. If you go back to a post I made earlier this year, I hadn’t even decided what competitions I was attending let alone what my goals were. I then went through this year doing half assed training (by my standards) because I still hadn’t committed to a “thing”. After years of competing with a clear vision, this felt different. I’m used to structure and I’m used to the motivation that comes from a clear goal. Don’t get me wrong, I still skated my heart out and I had some good competitions. I’ve also improved and grown an incredible amount and best of all, I had fun performing. But in order to progress and move on, I like to get critical. So that’s why I’m being picky.
Ultimately, I think it came down to fear. I think everyone can relate to the feeling of wanting something but thinking it’s impossible so you kinda convince yourself you don’t actually want it. And so you act according to this false belief in order to protect your ego from failure. This year, I was scared of admitting what I really wanted and so by not admitting it, I convinced myself I didn’t want it enough or didn’t deserve it and so I didn’t believe in myself to achieve it.
If I have learnt anything through my soul searching post Oceanias, it is that I need to set clearer goals in order to thrive. That’s just the way I’ve grown up. Plus, if the goal is in my heart, I owe it to myself to chase it down.
So next year, I’m going to choose a goal that is dear to my heart. When I’m clear on my intentions and visualise achieving my goals, it cultivates the self belief I have had in the past. I’m still thinking about what it will be and I’m not in too much of a hurry. But when I decide, I will (try) not to be afraid to admit it. It may not even be for skating! It may be something else! Who knows!
For now, I’m happy to cruise for a few more weeks before I start to plan stuff out and knuckle down again. I gotta practise what I preach and I’m always preaching balance so that’s what I’m concentrating on for now.